Month 3 and counting

CAUTION! The following post savors strongly of bitterness and self pity, proceed at your own risk :P

So December 1st marked the third month that I have been following the apparel diet. So far so good! Not to say that I haven't been sorely tempted but budget constraints (damn that mortgage) and the holiday season, rushing towards us like a speeding freight train, made it easier to resist. I won't say it wasn't painful, because it absolutely was, just easier to resist. OK so I didn't resist the Star Wars sweater from H&M, but come on people it was a Star Wars sweater!!

Now Christmas is staring us in the face, giving us that look that says "got you again!". The tree is up and decorated. The house isn't exactly throwing up Christmas, darn that budget again! The gifts have been purchased and wrapped, some hand made even! I find myself with free time. Am I making cookies? Taking my kids to look at Christmas lights? Nay friends, I am instead chained to my computer taunted by my inbox which is brimming with advertisements for the retail sales meant to draw in those last minute shoppers. My brain tells me to resist, but like a moth to a flame I click on link after shinning link browsing the sales.

I haven't bought anything........yet. Laying in bed the other night I actually considered starting a work out routine for the same reason. Hey if I loose weight I will need new clothes! But in the end I decide that I don't have any work out clothes and I am forbidden to buy any so there you have it. ( at this point I would like to point out how sick and wrong it is that I am considering getting healthier ONLY so I can buy new clothes) Today I have been pounding the Almond Joys in what I am convinced is a subconscious attempt to put ON weight so I will have to buy new clothes. I should probably seek some sort of professional help :P

I find myself hoping that I am getting gift cards for Christmas.

Long overdue

Hello blog followers!!
(all 8 of you) It's been a while, no? My life has been a crazy whirlwind. Some things welcome, some MOST unpleasant. It's time to grow as a person again and that is never a comfortable situation.
In the beginning of November my best friend was diagnosed with breast cancer. I can not even tell you how hard I cried when she called me to tell me the news.
Sense then as crazy as my life has been hers has been an absolute whirl of doctors appointments and phone calls to the insurance company. Settling things at work and spending as much time with her kids as humanly possible. All culminating in the grand finally of a double mastectomy on November 30th. She is home now, resting and for the moment cancer free. She will need chemo after the first of the year but for now is enjoying the holidays with her family.
I think the hardest part for me is wading through all the new emotions swirling through my brain. My heart breaks for her and her husband and her kids. I am not fearful for her life, her doctors have made it clear that her prognosis is good. But I am scared for the physical and emotional changes that she will have to endure. I am scared that I can't be enough help. I am worried I will be forced to be useless. I can't go through cancer with her, the surgery or the chemo. I am left standing on the sidelines chasing after her shouting all the things I can do.
After all those thoughts have burned through my brain come the guilt. What are my woes compared with hers? She has cancer for Christs sake! What's happening in my life that is anywhere near as bad as that? How dare I worry about not being enough help in that face of what she is going through.
I am worried about this cold that is kicking my butt, will I get the kids cakes done in time? Will be house be clean for the party? Or will I still have laundry strewn on my bedroom floor with the door quietly shut. Retail therapy has NEVER looked more inviting then it does right now. Ahh well c'est la vie.

Thus far a success, though barely......

Today is a grayish and gloomy Monday morning. As I type these words I am proud to announce that my dishes are done!

No but really as I begin the third month of my "apparel diet" I admit with a smidgen of pride that I haven't broken my diet. That being said it has been MUCH harder then I expected, and even at times a little depressing. At every turn I am confronted with things that I would like to add to my wardrobe.

Shopping for everyday household items has become a full scale assault on my willpower. This is probably because we do SO much of our shopping at Target, but hey, stuff is cheap there. As I stand there, possible apparel purchase in hand, a sea of thoughts and emotions crash over me. The first thought is always "is it really cheating, who would know?". Followed immediately by a wave of guilt and shame that is always successful in making me put the item back. I walk away and the thoughts continue to swirl in my brain, a tangled knot like so much yarn after a kitten. I pick up a thread and try to examine it.

"Why can't you put your family first? Is having pretty things so much more important then keeping your family on budget?"

Of course not.

"Then why is your wardrobe so important?"

I want to look nice! I don't want anyone thinking I am a slob.

"So that is the answer, your vanity and pride come before the needs of your family"

NO! That's not what I said! It's not wrong for me to want to look presentable!

"Your current wardrobe is more then sufficient to accomplish that goal."

I know it is.....but.....

"But what?"

I don't know.

And that's as far as I ever get in unraveling my obsession with clothes. Phaw, maybe I need therapy. I mean who feels this way about clothes and shoes, coats and scarves. Have you ever seen confessions of a shopaholic? You know the opening scene when she is talking about how she feels about stores and shopping? Yep that's me, that's exactly how I feel. Thank the good Lord I have enough restraint not to go THAT nuts :P

I have to say that when I started this I had no idea how deeply this would affect me. I really started this thinking" eh, one year I can do it no sweat!"Maybe I was in denial of how much my clothes really meant to me. BTW I did watch all the Spring 2011 ready to wear shows on Style.com I couldn't help myself. I did stop reading Vogue and Nylon, that just makes me want to buy stuff.

At the end of the day I don't feel liberated, I just feel sad. I miss new things. I am jealous of my friends and family when they go shopping. Even before my diet I didn't need to buy anything, just the act of shopping with friends made me happy. Maybe a better choice for me would have been to reexamine how and why I shop, as opposed to going cold turkey. But given the thoughts and emotions my diet has brought out, maybe this was what I needed after all......

one week down, 51 more to go......

I have made it seven days without buying one thing for myself!!! Man it was a lot harder then I thought it would be, temptation is everywhere. Even Daden's choir practice is only 5 blocks from both Urban Outfitters, and Anthropology my two favorite stores. Not to mention this really cool inexpensive jewelry store that I have heard raves about. I didn't even get to go there before my diet started :( *sniff*

But in some cases I surprised even myself. For instance today, as I was shopping at Target for some upcoming birthday parties (yeah, they are tomorrow, that's how I roll) I remembered that Erin and I had decided to wear black long sleeve shirts under our Halloween costumes. I don't own a black long sleeve. So I immediately changed directions and headed to the apparel section. As I stood there $10 t-shirt in hand two thoughts floated through my head:

"Hey it's only $10! And it's for my Halloween costume so it's not really cheating right?"

"I don't need this! I won't ever wear it again, I never wear long sleeved tees. I should just borrow one from my sisters."

I am extremely proud to report that the latter though won out and I left Target without a black long sleeve tee! I was a little shocked at how quickly my brain said "hey it's only $10 bucks, and you need it!" When really, I don't need it. I have NO need for it at all! I am hoping that in this year I can retrain my brain. No more wasting money on stuff I don't need!

It's going to be a long 51 weeks........

Do I need to go on a diet?

So I have been hearing about it more and more. The newest thing in diets. It grabs my attention every time, and I am forced to mull it over in my brain. And every time I come to the same conclusion. I think I need to diet.

It's called The Great American Apparel Diet. You can read about here: http://www.thegreatamericanappareldiet.com/

Basically it means no buying for one year. Nothing. No new purses, coats, cardigans, jeans, or shoes. Most people are excluding socks and undergarments. I mean you pretty much can't go with out those if they honestly need replacing. There are as many reasons for joining the movement as there are people in it. Some wish to reduce their carbon foot print by consuming less. Others wish to get their budget in check. Some are in protest of the gluttony of consumerism that has gripped the world today. Each reason is personal, each is valid.

But why does this intrigue me so? Is it the challenge? My husband thinks I can't do it, and I admit that part of me is scared that he is right. Which opens a new train of thought: am I so obsessed with my wardrobe that i can't go a year with out buying something new? It's not like I don't have enough to last me a year, far from it. The idea has spurred me to take an honest inventory of my closet. I have included it here:

T shirts: 44

Sweatshirts: 27

Jeans: 21

Pants: 4

Skirts: 18

Shirts: 45

Jackets: 27

Coats: 4

Scarves: 20

Shoes: 46

Tank tops (layering): 18

Sweaters: 22

Shorts: 12

Dresses: 26

Purses: 5

I think I can make it. Who's with me?

What a long strange......

OK I know it's not exactly an original title, so shoot me.

Where did September come from? Didn't June just start?
Oh well, I suppose it's here and it's time for me to reflect on the summer's happenings through a lens of nostalgia. Everything looks cuter with a lens of nostalgia over it, you should try it sometime.
I have already covered June's shenanigans in a previous post so we will skip that.

July was awesome :) bbq at the McPhersons house for the fourth. For which I made a totally unsuccessful attempt at butting the Alliance Lion insignia on a cake. Oh well at least the cake was tasty! And we can't forget the Portland Beer Festival with our guildies, that was epic :) Daden's choir had the opportunity to sing the national anthem for a Portland Beavers game. I was so proud of my little man I fully admit to tearing up while watching him sing. I have included a video of Daden's choir at the bottom of this post. Just cause they are so dang cute.

I finally found a weekend in August to hold a housewarming party! Words can not describe how excited I was to be throwing an actual housewarming party. In my own house, which I suppose goes without saying. I spent a week scrubbing every surface in my house in preparation, saving the floor for the very last. Yeah it never got done, oh well! Alexa came over the night before to help me make cupcakes. We did more talking then baking :P
So the day we picked turned out to be one of the hottest days of the summer. No problem, we have AC. Well, we have AC as long a the power doesn't go out! Just as the first guests where arriving, the power went out!! Eric was furious! The first thing he did was look at me and demand to know if I had remembered to pay PGE! Oh well, he's not so much of a "roll with the punches" kinda guy!
With the power back on Deb helped me to make my first successful batch of merange to frost what are now my very favorite cupcakes. Lemon merange, email me I will give you the recipe, seriously they are amazing. The day flew by in a flurry of visitors and food. I had so much fun I wish that I could do it all over again.
Late August brought our only camping trip of the summer. Family camp with the fine folks from Living Hope Baptist Church. I love camping, I am determined to do more camping next summer. I got the scoop on an excellent camp ground from some friends........

So really that's it. In those few events our summer is over. A fabulous summer filled with people I love, I am astounded by how quickly it passed. So many changes have happened already! Daden started school at East Orient, Tessa started gymnastics and her last year of preschool. Before I know it all my babies will be grown up......sniff......but that's another blog.

Taking care of business

Ok I am trying really hard not to be negative, but atm I am wondering why I even have health insurance. Here we are in August and to date Lifewise have paid NOTHING. Not one cent towards my families medical expenses. And this has been an expensive year! Every time I turn around one of my kids is sick. I fell terrible but I am starting to weigh how sick they are vs the cost of taking them to the doctor! By the time we meet our deductible, it will be time for it to reset!

Eric and I haven't been able to pay for some of the things that we really need because we have been using that money to pay the kids medical bills. Eric and I both need new glasses. I need dental work BADLY. But it's not going to happen, at least not this year. I still need to take Daden and Tessa in for their annual exams in December. Here's hoping that they don't get sick between now and then!

THIS IS JUST WRONG!!!!