Clearing the cobwebs

Today's blog is about insecurities.

It's been a long while since I wrote one and this is perhaps not the most cheerful topic I could choose. But it's something that has been plaguing me recently and maybe if I write about it, get it off my chest so to speak, I will feel better.
For as long as i can remember, I have suffered from a huge lack of self esteem. I never felt smart enough, or pretty enough, good enough etc. Don't get me wrong, for the most part I was (and still am!) a pretty happy gal. God has been extremely good to me over the years. But a lack of self confidence has lead me to make all sorts of terrible decisions and to make some not so great friends. I will not list them all here, because

A: That would make this post crazy long
B: I am not trying to throw a pity party here, just get some stuff off my chest
C: I am sure you have better things to do then read about all the dumb things I have ever done.

But I will tell you that I have missed opportunities because I was afraid I would fail. I made friends with people who used me. I mistook their "needing me" for liking me. Perhaps that is unfair. Who knows, maybe they really did like me on some level and were just really lousy at showing it. Maybe.
High school was awful. (See I am 30 and still thinking about high school belck!) I spent most of it dating a boy who used me shamelessly. Or chasing after a group of girls who kept me around for what I could offer them. I was hurt and ashamed, but I kept doing it. I kept going back because I thought that was the best I could get. I was small and awkward. I enjoyed books, music, and art, I was TERRIBLE at sports. A pretty typical geek struggling to fit in world of jocks, cheerleaders and cool people.
My senior year I got a bit smarter. I found a better group of friends, lost the boy. The girls I had been chasing for the past three years were immensely cruel, unwilling to give up the gift horse that for so many years had been theirs. Insults abounded, humiliations galore. Nothing was off limits. Thank God for my amazing parents.
Now as an adult I have gained some moderate respect for my own self. All that high school yuckiness has tough me to recognize those people who would be friends for what I can offer them. Now I have cut the people out of my life (mostly) who for so many years had been hanging on, only picking up the phone when it was worth it for them. Yes I am shamed to admit I let those girls influence me way past high school, way after I learned that they were not true friends. Even now part of me still thinks about those people, wondering if we will ever have a relationship. Yeah thanks Facebook. But I look around, see the husband who loves me unconditionally. He is truly a gift from God. He may not always say or do the right things ( who does?) but he is my biggest champion. I see the best friend who would do anything for me, except read my blog, you know who you are missy! :P
Yet for all of this growing and self realization, I find myself faced with a new sort of insecurity. When people don't call me back, or answer my emails, or come to a party I am throwing, I wonder what I did wrong. My first thoughts are never, hey they have lives maybe they are busy! But rather, are they angry with me, do they not want to be friends anymore? Did I offend them somehow?
It's maddening I can't stop it. I share these feeling with my husband who rolls his eyes and assures me that it's not me. But deep down I am terrified that it is. Those feelings of inadequacy come flooding back and I am 16 all over again. I don't know how to fix it. My adult self knows exactly how insane it is to expect my friends to answer every call, or email, make it to every party and invite me to every heroic run (it's a WoW thing go with it). Not to mention they are certainly not responsible for making me feel worthy. No one is responsible for that but me.
So at the moment I am at an impasse. Until I learn to manage my own feelings, grow a thicker skin so to speak, (or maybe just not be so crazy?) I will just have to deal.
So a HUGE thank you goes out to my peeps for putting up with my crazy. It shows me that you really must like me cause anyone else would have run screaming :P