On the lighter side

OK so this morning's blog post was so gloomy and icky, that upon posting it I was immediately ashamed and was compelled to write something happier.
So this post will be all about dream jobs.
What is your dream job? Well since this is my blog and you can't answer me we will talk about my dream job. Muha ha ha ha!!
If you would have asked me that question when I was 6 the answer would have been an emphatic "Jedi Knight!" No, not princess. I knew you had to marry a prince for that or be the daughter of a king. And since my dad was only the king of our house and princes being in short supply I was pretty realistic about my chances of ever being a princess. Jedi Knight however, was fair game one only had to learn to use the force. "The energy force created by all living things, surrounds us, penetrates us, it's what binds the galaxy together." Hey what do you want from me I was six.
If you asked again at 8, you would have gotten "archeologist". In fact I was so serious about being an archeologist that I checked out every book in my elementary school library on the subject. And upon doing so discovered that it is not NEARLY as exciting as Harrison Ford made it look and the idea was abandoned for being a spy just like Mrs. King! At some point, I am not sure when, I learned that being a spy isn't really all that glamorous either and most spies are never wives, let alone mothers because of the whole national security thing. One thing I did know for sure was that I did want to get married, and I did want to have babies, so spying was out.
So after a spy I wanted to be a writer. I won some sort of creative writing medal at a competition which of course meant that I was destined to be a famous writer. I think part of me never really gave up on the idea of a writing gig. In fact a good portion of my high school career was devoted to writing my novel, my magnum opus. I devoted hours and hours to typing out line after line of story written out in my spiral notebook when I was supposed to be taking math notes. Which in hind sight may be why I flunked algebra.......
Where is said novel? Don't ask. It will never see the light of day. Yes I still have it, no you can't see it.
In the sixth grade, taking a cue from my modeling days as a small child. I was in a handful of local bridal shows as a flower girl. I looked up at my daddy with stars in my eyes and told him that I wanted to be a model, just like the girls on the cover of my Teen Vogue magazine. Bless his heart he looked right back at his short, skinny, greasy, acne covered, glasses wearing daughter and replied with a straight face that if that was what I wanted to do, he would certainly support me. It didn't take me very long to figure out that I wasn't cut out for the modeling scene.
Right about then The Learning Channel started running shows about surgical procedures. This was pre John and Kate, when you could actually learn something from watching a channel called, The learning, Channel. I watched every single one of them with rapt fascination. Much to my mothers horror. She was never really good with blood. I was going to be a doctor! Yeah, that didn't last very long. I was not a very dedicated student.
Are you seeing a pattern yet? I have career ADD.
When I was 15 I went to work for my grandmother at her bridal salon. I instantly fell in love with it. All of the lace, organza, satin and silk. The smiling women trying on gown after gown, each more beautiful then the last. (OK some of them were ugly but I was 15) Ah ha! This was it! I wanted to design bridal gowns! (At least until my novel was finished and made me millions!) So it was with this in mind that in my senior year I took my career aptitude test. Imagine my surprise when the results came back "carpenter". Huh.
I decided to throw caution to the wind, and the results of the aptitude test, my mother and I took a tour of the newly opened Art Institute in Portland. I was going to be a designer! The tour left me dizzy with visions of the beautiful gowns I would create swimming through my head. Then the tuition numbers brought me to my senses and I politely declined. Opting instead for community college with my boyfriend at the time. My parents insisted that they could send me to U of O to study apparel, but my career ADD and the idea of being so far removed from my boyfriend convinced me that community college may be the better choice. Turns out it was, cause that's where I met the new love of my life, sorry boyfriend :(
Eric was beautiful. With his goatee and his van, his backward page boy cap and flannel shirt. He was an artist! It was love at first sight. I don't seem to have the same sort of ADD problem with relationships, just careers. We were inseperable from the beginning.
Eventually for me my career ADD and the monster called money won out over school. Since I had been unable to make a career decision I opted to go to work. Not that I hadn't been working this whole time, but rather work as opposed to school. My friend Kellyn got me a job at Nordstrom and that was it. Here was my new career. I was going to work for Nordstrom forever! Not as a sales person of course, I would be a buyer! And I did work, for ten years. I got promoted, and demoted. Then promoted again. I got married and had babies.
Time changed, priorities changed, I changed.
After Tessa was born, working for Nordstrom lost it's appeal. Retail hours were taking their tole. Retail in general was loosing it's luster. Most of the shiny had rubbed off and the ugly profit driven monster was peaking out. I decided it was time to go back to school.
I pleaded my case to Eric who agreed that I was unhappy at work and should do what I needed to do to be happy, we would make it work. Apparel design was the name of the game. I interviewed, I applied, I payed a but load of money. I worked full time, was a mom full time. I could only take two classes. I studied harder then I ever had before. I got A's in both my classes. I was happier then I had probably ever been. I never once questioned whether or not this was the right choice for me until finals day of that first term. When I found out I was pregnant. Game over.
So here we are present day. Back to square one. My career ADD is in full swing. I could argue that I am working my dream job now as a stay at home mom. It certainly is the most rewarding position I have ever held. I feel closer to my kids now then at any time during my working career. I feel a little guilty that I worked so much when Daden and Tessa were babies, but they don't seem any worse for the wear. Being at home has given me the opportunity to explore more career choices. I have discovered cake decorating, and to my delight I am good at it! Is there a bakery in my future? Maybe. Part of me never gave up on the idea of being a writer ( hi blog). Part of me never gave up on being a designer. I wonder if I could be all three?
SO back to my original question. What is my dream job? Hell if I know.

Clearing the cobwebs

Today's blog is about insecurities.

It's been a long while since I wrote one and this is perhaps not the most cheerful topic I could choose. But it's something that has been plaguing me recently and maybe if I write about it, get it off my chest so to speak, I will feel better.
For as long as i can remember, I have suffered from a huge lack of self esteem. I never felt smart enough, or pretty enough, good enough etc. Don't get me wrong, for the most part I was (and still am!) a pretty happy gal. God has been extremely good to me over the years. But a lack of self confidence has lead me to make all sorts of terrible decisions and to make some not so great friends. I will not list them all here, because

A: That would make this post crazy long
B: I am not trying to throw a pity party here, just get some stuff off my chest
C: I am sure you have better things to do then read about all the dumb things I have ever done.

But I will tell you that I have missed opportunities because I was afraid I would fail. I made friends with people who used me. I mistook their "needing me" for liking me. Perhaps that is unfair. Who knows, maybe they really did like me on some level and were just really lousy at showing it. Maybe.
High school was awful. (See I am 30 and still thinking about high school belck!) I spent most of it dating a boy who used me shamelessly. Or chasing after a group of girls who kept me around for what I could offer them. I was hurt and ashamed, but I kept doing it. I kept going back because I thought that was the best I could get. I was small and awkward. I enjoyed books, music, and art, I was TERRIBLE at sports. A pretty typical geek struggling to fit in world of jocks, cheerleaders and cool people.
My senior year I got a bit smarter. I found a better group of friends, lost the boy. The girls I had been chasing for the past three years were immensely cruel, unwilling to give up the gift horse that for so many years had been theirs. Insults abounded, humiliations galore. Nothing was off limits. Thank God for my amazing parents.
Now as an adult I have gained some moderate respect for my own self. All that high school yuckiness has tough me to recognize those people who would be friends for what I can offer them. Now I have cut the people out of my life (mostly) who for so many years had been hanging on, only picking up the phone when it was worth it for them. Yes I am shamed to admit I let those girls influence me way past high school, way after I learned that they were not true friends. Even now part of me still thinks about those people, wondering if we will ever have a relationship. Yeah thanks Facebook. But I look around, see the husband who loves me unconditionally. He is truly a gift from God. He may not always say or do the right things ( who does?) but he is my biggest champion. I see the best friend who would do anything for me, except read my blog, you know who you are missy! :P
Yet for all of this growing and self realization, I find myself faced with a new sort of insecurity. When people don't call me back, or answer my emails, or come to a party I am throwing, I wonder what I did wrong. My first thoughts are never, hey they have lives maybe they are busy! But rather, are they angry with me, do they not want to be friends anymore? Did I offend them somehow?
It's maddening I can't stop it. I share these feeling with my husband who rolls his eyes and assures me that it's not me. But deep down I am terrified that it is. Those feelings of inadequacy come flooding back and I am 16 all over again. I don't know how to fix it. My adult self knows exactly how insane it is to expect my friends to answer every call, or email, make it to every party and invite me to every heroic run (it's a WoW thing go with it). Not to mention they are certainly not responsible for making me feel worthy. No one is responsible for that but me.
So at the moment I am at an impasse. Until I learn to manage my own feelings, grow a thicker skin so to speak, (or maybe just not be so crazy?) I will just have to deal.
So a HUGE thank you goes out to my peeps for putting up with my crazy. It shows me that you really must like me cause anyone else would have run screaming :P