The one, the only, Nightman!!

This IS Ryder's birth story. I promise. But to give you the whole picture we need to go back a bit further.

It was June of  2007.

I was just wrapping up my first term at the Art Institute of Portland where I was studying Fashion Design. I was working full time as a visual merchandiser for Nordstrom. Daden was 3, Tessa was 1. I loved my kids, I loved, my job, I loved my classes. Life was amazing, God had blessed me beyond belief.  See how awesome we were!

He was about to bless me a little more.....

People, I was NOT happy. I sat and let Eric hold me while I cried and cried and cried. Was this God's idea of a joke? Seriously? How was I supposed to finally finish school, work full time, and pay for three kids in day care?! We were going to need a bigger car! Eric, bless his heart, stroked my hair and assured me that everything would be fine. I was totally not convinced.

I didn't want to tell anyone. I waited weeks before telling my own parents. I grudgingly admitted it to my boss of all people, who was so excited for me she told everyone at the Clackamas Nordstrom. Which was a bad move because my sister worked there. It didn't take long for someone to spill the beans to her. I got a text message that went something like this:

Dani: Missy are you pregnant?!

Me: Uh.....

Dani: Joey from the ebar just congratulated me on being an aunt thrice! WTH?!

Me: Well, yeah I am.

Dani: ?!?!??!?!?!?!

It did get better though! God worked wonders in my heart and made room for this amazing little man he made. 

Fast forward to February 2008

I had been out of work for close on a month because of preterm labor ickyness. Two weeks before my due date both Daden and Tessa came down with strep throat. So much for bed rest! Oh and I can't forget to mention that Eric lost his job in January. Remember how I was worried about paying for daycare? Problem solved! 

But despite all that I was induced at 39 weeks anyway :P See here I am all hooked up enjoying ice chips. This was after the Evil Midwife left and the awesome, amazing wonderful gift from heaven, midwife showed up. 

Let me explain. He was born at Kaiser Sunnyside, you get who you get. My midwife, who I had been seeing throughout the pregnancy wasn't on on the day we were induced. So when we showed up at 6 AM bright eyed and excited to meet our baby this is what happened; 

Nurse checks us in and hooks up the IV, she leaves to get the midwife. Evil Midwife walks in, grabs my chart, turns around and leaves, not a word. Eric and I exchange nervous glances. Evil Midwife walks back in, sets down my chart and turns to address us. She says "So, we are here for a trail induction."

I look at Eric and back at her and say "Well, I don't know anything about a trial, I am here to have a baby!"

She says "You know that sometimes this doesn't work and if that happens we will be sending you home right?"

I am not totally shocked and intimidated, I don't even know what to say!! So I say, "Uh, OK."

Evil Midwife exit stage left.

We are totally floored. I start to cry and Eric does his best to calm me down when the nurse comes back in to hook up my pitocin. She takes one look at me and says "Sweetie don't worry, shift change is at 9, you'll be just fine!"

We never saw Evil Midwife again.

I labored away in the hospital bed, contractions strong and regular, I am feeling pretty good! Things must be moving right along! Awesome Midwife breezed in at around eleven, introduced herself, asked a few questions including if I wanted her to check my progress. I did. I had been dilated three cm at my appointment the day before and my contractions were starting to be quite strong, so I was sure I was at least 5 by now.

Imagine my dismay when she announced I was dilated to 2. TWO!!! Evil Midwife's warning came flooding back and I am crying again begging not to be sent home. How could I possibly be only twp? She must have checked wrong I was three yesterday and I had been having contractions for hours! Awesome Midwife calmed me down and explained to me that seeing as this was baby #3 my cervix was quite stretchy and that without babies head putting pressure on it it could kind of shrink back down. She promised not to send me home and recommended that I get up out of bed and sit on the birthing ball.

Holy birthing ball Batman. Let me just tell you that sitting on that stupid ball made all the difference in the world. In the span of one contraction I went from painful, to HOLY ($)*@!! I could actually feel Ryders head pressing down with each contraction. I made it about an hour hour and a half on the ball before I started to feel sick to my stomach and had to get up. Eric called the nurse and she came in to check me again. Now I was dilated to six!

Now a different kind of panic set in. Tess was born 30 min after I was dilated to 6. I didn't have an epidural yet! What if the Dr couldn't make it in time? What if I had to deliver without one?! Not to worry, the anesthesiologist was prompt and super efficient. My water broke while he was doing the epidural and in no time I was snug in a dry bed contracting away.

My mom, dad, and sisters all showed up around this time, and we joked and talked waiting for that magic #10!

You guys I kid you not. Ryder's delivery was amazing. I was actually laughing while trying to push. I yelled at my family to stop making me laugh so I could concentrate. Awesome midwife was there coaching me, while the nurse got Alexa all gloved up to help.

Three pushed later and he was here!

I know it's a little gross sorry :P Here's a cuter one!

One last photo, happy birthday Ryder aka Nightman! I could not imagine our family with out your smiling face. I am so thankful every day that God blessed us with you! 

Happy Birthday Tessa Bear!

Eight years ago I had one child and was about to have another. Our first girl! I was tired. Scratch that, exhausted, cranky, achey, and in general done being pregnant. I love my little Tessa Riley, but man was her pregnancy a tough one! Her birth wasn't a ton better. Not horrific, or traumatizing, thank God. Just not......well, not.
This is what Eric and I were doing on the night before Tessa was born. Hey don't judge me! I swear we were at Eric's bosses tacky Christmas party. Really. As exciting as it was answer "tomorrow" when people asked when the baby was coming, I was bone tired and really wanted to be asleep. Not at a party watching everyone else have cocktails. The food was good though.

There wasn't as large a crowd for Tessa as for Daden. Partly because the maternity wing at Kaiser Sunnyside Hospital was undergoing renovations (which would be complete a few months after Tessa was born, awesome huh?) and our room was TINY. Seriously the tiniest delivery room ever. I am not claustrophobic by any stretch, but I felt it in that room. It's hard to be uncomfortable and cramped all at the same time.
Also because Eric's parents were now at their house with 2 year old Daden. Here he is right here:

Just look at that face! Don't you just want to pinch those cheeks?

My parents, my sisters, Ashley, and Eric made up my audience this time.
I also had an OB for the first (and last!) time. It wasn't my choice, I had a bunch of preterm labor issues with her and they made me see an OB. Don't get me wrong, he was a nice enough guy. But he was of the "I've been delivering babies for 40 years and I know how to do this better then you" mentality. He may have broken my water when I was only three cm, (ouch btw) but I do have to give him credit he managed to get Tess out without any tears or an episiotomy. I heard later there was mineral oil and stretching involved, but all I remember is that it hurt like hell even through my epidural. I actually looked at Eric and cried that I couldn't do it. Bless his soul he looked right in my eyes and said "yes you can". I love that man.
(I'm crying now remembering this. Stupid pregnancy hormones!)

Anyway here we are waiting.

Who remembers the flip phone? I think she's texting...

See how tiny? Not cool.

Here we are it's go time! I got my epidural at 5 PM, when I was 5.5 CM dilated. At 5:40 I demanded that the nurses check me again I felt so much pressure. They didn't want to because they just had forty min ago. Tessa was born at 5:54. Take that nurses.

Tessa was born! Look at these three! They are so freaking excited, I love them.

Here she is. All 6 lbs 4 oz and 20 inches of her. Look at those cheeks!! Man oh man did she scream. It should have been an omen....

I kid. (Not really)

This picture is making me cry right now.

And just like that we were a family of four. AWESOME.

I have to say, though the food was abysmal, my recovery from Tessa's birth was nothing short of miraculous. SO much different then with Daden. I didn't have the whole passing urine problem. Probably because I made the nurses leave the catheter in until the next morning. I had zero desire to repeat that first night with Daden. I even did better and let Tess sleep in the bassinet for a little while. Hey a gal needs to be able to hold her coffee. Though I did spend copious amounts of time staring into her perfect little face. 

By the next morning I was up and about in my tiny little recovery room. I had let Eric go home to sleep, no sense in both of us losing sleep in that tiny hospital room. Besides if I let him out of the hospital he can bring me starbucks on the way back in! I'm a thinker. Eric was shocked to see how alert and chipper I was the next morning and I admit I totally felt a difference. 

Fast forward eight years and here we are

Happy birthday my sweet love. Always my baby girl, I have treasured every moment of watching you grow and change into this beautiful young lady. (Yes even the moments when you are being naughtier than I ever imagined possible) I am proud of you, and I am proud to be your mother. 

Someday you will be a mother yourself and you will understand the fierce love that means being a mother. The kind that allows you to keep on loving even when you come in from pulling weeds and your daughter and her friend are sitting on top of the kitchen table with bath towels trying to mop up the paint and water they spilled EVERYWHERE. 

In hindsight, I really should have taken a picture of that.........

Clearing the cobwebs

Today's blog is about insecurities.

It's been a long while since I wrote one and this is perhaps not the most cheerful topic I could choose. But it's something that has been plaguing me recently and maybe if I write about it, get it off my chest so to speak, I will feel better.
For as long as i can remember, I have suffered from a huge lack of self esteem. I never felt smart enough, or pretty enough, good enough etc. Don't get me wrong, for the most part I was (and still am!) a pretty happy gal. God has been extremely good to me over the years. But a lack of self confidence has lead me to make all sorts of terrible decisions and to make some not so great friends. I will not list them all here, because

A: That would make this post crazy long
B: I am not trying to throw a pity party here, just get some stuff off my chest
C: I am sure you have better things to do then read about all the dumb things I have ever done.

But I will tell you that I have missed opportunities because I was afraid I would fail. I made friends with people who used me. I mistook their "needing me" for liking me. Perhaps that is unfair. Who knows, maybe they really did like me on some level and were just really lousy at showing it. Maybe.
High school was awful. (See I am 30 and still thinking about high school belck!) I spent most of it dating a boy who used me shamelessly. Or chasing after a group of girls who kept me around for what I could offer them. I was hurt and ashamed, but I kept doing it. I kept going back because I thought that was the best I could get. I was small and awkward. I enjoyed books, music, and art, I was TERRIBLE at sports. A pretty typical geek struggling to fit in world of jocks, cheerleaders and cool people.
My senior year I got a bit smarter. I found a better group of friends, lost the boy. The girls I had been chasing for the past three years were immensely cruel, unwilling to give up the gift horse that for so many years had been theirs. Insults abounded, humiliations galore. Nothing was off limits. Thank God for my amazing parents.
Now as an adult I have gained some moderate respect for my own self. All that high school yuckiness has tough me to recognize those people who would be friends for what I can offer them. Now I have cut the people out of my life (mostly) who for so many years had been hanging on, only picking up the phone when it was worth it for them. Yes I am shamed to admit I let those girls influence me way past high school, way after I learned that they were not true friends. Even now part of me still thinks about those people, wondering if we will ever have a relationship. Yeah thanks Facebook. But I look around, see the husband who loves me unconditionally. He is truly a gift from God. He may not always say or do the right things ( who does?) but he is my biggest champion. I see the best friend who would do anything for me, except read my blog, you know who you are missy! :P
Yet for all of this growing and self realization, I find myself faced with a new sort of insecurity. When people don't call me back, or answer my emails, or come to a party I am throwing, I wonder what I did wrong. My first thoughts are never, hey they have lives maybe they are busy! But rather, are they angry with me, do they not want to be friends anymore? Did I offend them somehow?
It's maddening I can't stop it. I share these feeling with my husband who rolls his eyes and assures me that it's not me. But deep down I am terrified that it is. Those feelings of inadequacy come flooding back and I am 16 all over again. I don't know how to fix it. My adult self knows exactly how insane it is to expect my friends to answer every call, or email, make it to every party and invite me to every heroic run (it's a WoW thing go with it). Not to mention they are certainly not responsible for making me feel worthy. No one is responsible for that but me.
So at the moment I am at an impasse. Until I learn to manage my own feelings, grow a thicker skin so to speak, (or maybe just not be so crazy?) I will just have to deal.
So a HUGE thank you goes out to my peeps for putting up with my crazy. It shows me that you really must like me cause anyone else would have run screaming :P