Why I cried in the shower

Serious shit from a serious place:

I'm typing this in my phone, from my baby's floor bed. Where I am laying next to my snotty, oozing, sleep fighting, bundle of love.
Last week Tuesday morning I sobbed on the floor of my shower. Sobbed people. I didn't cry, I didn't weep.  I sobbed huge loud sobs. The kind I sobbed when I found out my BFF had cancer, or when my great grandmother died. Those sobs.
So you see despite all my gentle reminders, options, and helping hands, Ryder put on the breaks and refused to get on the bus.
People I lost my shit. I yelled at him. I threatened to take away his birthday party. I begged him to tell me what I was doing wrong, why couldn't he just get ready for school and get on the bus. Of course none of it worked. He cried, I cried, he didn't get on the bus.
While I sat on the floor in the shower and sobbed my little man sat on the floor of his room and sobbed.
He didn't think I was doing anything wrong. He didn't know why he couldn't get ready on time. He just knows he likes his sandwich a certain way, and the blue coat not the black one. These things are important to him. Pillars of the earth important. You can't get on the bus if you have a jelly sandwich instead of peanut butter and honey.
Eric picked me up off the floor of the shower, wrapped me in a towel and dried my tears. He built me up with words. He told me that he loved me, that our kids loved me, that I was the best mom ever. He told me about how he loved how much I gave to our family and to our friends. I held him. I stopped crying.
But deep, deep down I didn't believe him.
Oh I believe that he loves me. If he didn't he would have run screaming from my special brand of crazy years ago. But deep deep down I don't feel worthy of his love. I don't feel worthy of my kids love. I fill my life with busy to distract myself from just how not good enough I feel. Not smart enough, strong enough, creative enough, talented enough, kind enough, giving enough, pretty enough.....

Tonight I heard a friend say that for Lent she was not giving up sugar, or alcohol. She was giving up the negative feelings she has about herself. I have never given up anything for Lent, but I'm starting now. I'm letting go of the negative. I'm taking these steps and I'm making these changes. I am going to feel as worthy as my husband thinks I am. I am going to really be the wife he deserves and the mother my kids need.
Not just pretend to be. Actually be.