On the lighter side

OK so this morning's blog post was so gloomy and icky, that upon posting it I was immediately ashamed and was compelled to write something happier.
So this post will be all about dream jobs.
What is your dream job? Well since this is my blog and you can't answer me we will talk about my dream job. Muha ha ha ha!!
If you would have asked me that question when I was 6 the answer would have been an emphatic "Jedi Knight!" No, not princess. I knew you had to marry a prince for that or be the daughter of a king. And since my dad was only the king of our house and princes being in short supply I was pretty realistic about my chances of ever being a princess. Jedi Knight however, was fair game one only had to learn to use the force. "The energy force created by all living things, surrounds us, penetrates us, it's what binds the galaxy together." Hey what do you want from me I was six.
If you asked again at 8, you would have gotten "archeologist". In fact I was so serious about being an archeologist that I checked out every book in my elementary school library on the subject. And upon doing so discovered that it is not NEARLY as exciting as Harrison Ford made it look and the idea was abandoned for being a spy just like Mrs. King! At some point, I am not sure when, I learned that being a spy isn't really all that glamorous either and most spies are never wives, let alone mothers because of the whole national security thing. One thing I did know for sure was that I did want to get married, and I did want to have babies, so spying was out.
So after a spy I wanted to be a writer. I won some sort of creative writing medal at a competition which of course meant that I was destined to be a famous writer. I think part of me never really gave up on the idea of a writing gig. In fact a good portion of my high school career was devoted to writing my novel, my magnum opus. I devoted hours and hours to typing out line after line of story written out in my spiral notebook when I was supposed to be taking math notes. Which in hind sight may be why I flunked algebra.......
Where is said novel? Don't ask. It will never see the light of day. Yes I still have it, no you can't see it.
In the sixth grade, taking a cue from my modeling days as a small child. I was in a handful of local bridal shows as a flower girl. I looked up at my daddy with stars in my eyes and told him that I wanted to be a model, just like the girls on the cover of my Teen Vogue magazine. Bless his heart he looked right back at his short, skinny, greasy, acne covered, glasses wearing daughter and replied with a straight face that if that was what I wanted to do, he would certainly support me. It didn't take me very long to figure out that I wasn't cut out for the modeling scene.
Right about then The Learning Channel started running shows about surgical procedures. This was pre John and Kate, when you could actually learn something from watching a channel called, The learning, Channel. I watched every single one of them with rapt fascination. Much to my mothers horror. She was never really good with blood. I was going to be a doctor! Yeah, that didn't last very long. I was not a very dedicated student.
Are you seeing a pattern yet? I have career ADD.
When I was 15 I went to work for my grandmother at her bridal salon. I instantly fell in love with it. All of the lace, organza, satin and silk. The smiling women trying on gown after gown, each more beautiful then the last. (OK some of them were ugly but I was 15) Ah ha! This was it! I wanted to design bridal gowns! (At least until my novel was finished and made me millions!) So it was with this in mind that in my senior year I took my career aptitude test. Imagine my surprise when the results came back "carpenter". Huh.
I decided to throw caution to the wind, and the results of the aptitude test, my mother and I took a tour of the newly opened Art Institute in Portland. I was going to be a designer! The tour left me dizzy with visions of the beautiful gowns I would create swimming through my head. Then the tuition numbers brought me to my senses and I politely declined. Opting instead for community college with my boyfriend at the time. My parents insisted that they could send me to U of O to study apparel, but my career ADD and the idea of being so far removed from my boyfriend convinced me that community college may be the better choice. Turns out it was, cause that's where I met the new love of my life, sorry boyfriend :(
Eric was beautiful. With his goatee and his van, his backward page boy cap and flannel shirt. He was an artist! It was love at first sight. I don't seem to have the same sort of ADD problem with relationships, just careers. We were inseperable from the beginning.
Eventually for me my career ADD and the monster called money won out over school. Since I had been unable to make a career decision I opted to go to work. Not that I hadn't been working this whole time, but rather work as opposed to school. My friend Kellyn got me a job at Nordstrom and that was it. Here was my new career. I was going to work for Nordstrom forever! Not as a sales person of course, I would be a buyer! And I did work, for ten years. I got promoted, and demoted. Then promoted again. I got married and had babies.
Time changed, priorities changed, I changed.
After Tessa was born, working for Nordstrom lost it's appeal. Retail hours were taking their tole. Retail in general was loosing it's luster. Most of the shiny had rubbed off and the ugly profit driven monster was peaking out. I decided it was time to go back to school.
I pleaded my case to Eric who agreed that I was unhappy at work and should do what I needed to do to be happy, we would make it work. Apparel design was the name of the game. I interviewed, I applied, I payed a but load of money. I worked full time, was a mom full time. I could only take two classes. I studied harder then I ever had before. I got A's in both my classes. I was happier then I had probably ever been. I never once questioned whether or not this was the right choice for me until finals day of that first term. When I found out I was pregnant. Game over.
So here we are present day. Back to square one. My career ADD is in full swing. I could argue that I am working my dream job now as a stay at home mom. It certainly is the most rewarding position I have ever held. I feel closer to my kids now then at any time during my working career. I feel a little guilty that I worked so much when Daden and Tessa were babies, but they don't seem any worse for the wear. Being at home has given me the opportunity to explore more career choices. I have discovered cake decorating, and to my delight I am good at it! Is there a bakery in my future? Maybe. Part of me never gave up on the idea of being a writer ( hi blog). Part of me never gave up on being a designer. I wonder if I could be all three?
SO back to my original question. What is my dream job? Hell if I know.

Clearing the cobwebs

Today's blog is about insecurities.

It's been a long while since I wrote one and this is perhaps not the most cheerful topic I could choose. But it's something that has been plaguing me recently and maybe if I write about it, get it off my chest so to speak, I will feel better.
For as long as i can remember, I have suffered from a huge lack of self esteem. I never felt smart enough, or pretty enough, good enough etc. Don't get me wrong, for the most part I was (and still am!) a pretty happy gal. God has been extremely good to me over the years. But a lack of self confidence has lead me to make all sorts of terrible decisions and to make some not so great friends. I will not list them all here, because

A: That would make this post crazy long
B: I am not trying to throw a pity party here, just get some stuff off my chest
C: I am sure you have better things to do then read about all the dumb things I have ever done.

But I will tell you that I have missed opportunities because I was afraid I would fail. I made friends with people who used me. I mistook their "needing me" for liking me. Perhaps that is unfair. Who knows, maybe they really did like me on some level and were just really lousy at showing it. Maybe.
High school was awful. (See I am 30 and still thinking about high school belck!) I spent most of it dating a boy who used me shamelessly. Or chasing after a group of girls who kept me around for what I could offer them. I was hurt and ashamed, but I kept doing it. I kept going back because I thought that was the best I could get. I was small and awkward. I enjoyed books, music, and art, I was TERRIBLE at sports. A pretty typical geek struggling to fit in world of jocks, cheerleaders and cool people.
My senior year I got a bit smarter. I found a better group of friends, lost the boy. The girls I had been chasing for the past three years were immensely cruel, unwilling to give up the gift horse that for so many years had been theirs. Insults abounded, humiliations galore. Nothing was off limits. Thank God for my amazing parents.
Now as an adult I have gained some moderate respect for my own self. All that high school yuckiness has tough me to recognize those people who would be friends for what I can offer them. Now I have cut the people out of my life (mostly) who for so many years had been hanging on, only picking up the phone when it was worth it for them. Yes I am shamed to admit I let those girls influence me way past high school, way after I learned that they were not true friends. Even now part of me still thinks about those people, wondering if we will ever have a relationship. Yeah thanks Facebook. But I look around, see the husband who loves me unconditionally. He is truly a gift from God. He may not always say or do the right things ( who does?) but he is my biggest champion. I see the best friend who would do anything for me, except read my blog, you know who you are missy! :P
Yet for all of this growing and self realization, I find myself faced with a new sort of insecurity. When people don't call me back, or answer my emails, or come to a party I am throwing, I wonder what I did wrong. My first thoughts are never, hey they have lives maybe they are busy! But rather, are they angry with me, do they not want to be friends anymore? Did I offend them somehow?
It's maddening I can't stop it. I share these feeling with my husband who rolls his eyes and assures me that it's not me. But deep down I am terrified that it is. Those feelings of inadequacy come flooding back and I am 16 all over again. I don't know how to fix it. My adult self knows exactly how insane it is to expect my friends to answer every call, or email, make it to every party and invite me to every heroic run (it's a WoW thing go with it). Not to mention they are certainly not responsible for making me feel worthy. No one is responsible for that but me.
So at the moment I am at an impasse. Until I learn to manage my own feelings, grow a thicker skin so to speak, (or maybe just not be so crazy?) I will just have to deal.
So a HUGE thank you goes out to my peeps for putting up with my crazy. It shows me that you really must like me cause anyone else would have run screaming :P

Home is where the heart is

(This is the photo from the listing. The first glimpse I ever had of what would become home)

We have been in our house now for a going on 7 months. And it has just occurred to me that other then my blog on our moving experience, I haven't really talked about the coolest thing we own. So the following is a few words on our home sweet home!

Here is our master bedroom. I have a grand design to paint our room kind of an almond color. I am kinda in a white phase. Eric said no...we'll see. I can just picture it. The white walls will bring out the warmth in the wood and I will paint our night stands white and give them some cute new knobs. They are old as the hills I am not even sure where they came from, Eric had them when we started dating.

Our fabulous bed was a gift to us from Eric's parents. They bought is "for my birthday" the summer that I was pregnant with Daden. We had been sleeping on Eric's old water bed frame covered over with a piece of plywood and a mattress on top. Ahhh improve! I think it's safe to say the bed here is a serious upgrade.

The kid chairs are there in an attempt to get the kids to sit there instead of destroying my bed when they watch movies in my room.The ugly desk chair in the corner is where I have my sewing machine set up. Although I almost never sew there. I prefer to sew on at the kitchen table where there is more room. And yes, the chair is covered with projects in various states of completion.

This is the lost area right outside our bedroom. For the moment it is a tv/game room. Eventually I would love this to be my "project area". Though that reality is a LONG way off!

Our living room! Couch selected by Eric which I love. It's super comfy!! TV stand also selected by Eric, which I HATE. But don't tell him. Actually I am pretty sure he know I don't like it :P

Our kitchen! It's not super clean....but hey I am in the middle of cake baking. It's in the oven as I type.

Dining room! Table gifted to us by Eric's brother and sister in law when they moved back to Oregon and finally had room for her mothers table. Also the first dining room table we have ever owned! Yeah we ate on the couch a lot. I have plans to refinish it this summer. I am thinking I will paint the legs black and re stain the top more of a honey color....thoughts? The buffet I bought at the salvation army and painted black. It is doing an awesome job holding all my cake decorating stuff. By the way, Eric hates it.

This is probably the room I have the most issue with. It's a love hate relationship. I love it because it's the library I have always wanted, and I hate it because it's the most unfinished. I still need to get my piano out of the garage which will go in this room. And then I am envisioning a comfy chair and cute table / lamp there in front of the window, and a cute rug on the floor. My computer desk is also in this room...no you can't see it it's such a catch all! You can see my chair :P And yes, that is an Imperial Walker on top of the bookshelf.

So there is it. Home sweet home. I didn't post pics of the kids rooms because they are a mess. Well, actually Tessa's room is clean but she was in the middle of re arranging it so I left her alone. Ryder was in the middle of tearing apart the epic train track we built yesterday and shouting with glee that the "monster was eating the trains!!" So you can imagine what kind of mess that was making.

Cakes done! Time to get caking!!

The little things

Sometimes in all the crazy that is life it is important to take a time out, smell the polish and remember what makes it all worth while......... professionally manicured toes and hot coffee from Starbucks.

Tessa enjoyed her first pedicure yesterday as part of a girls day out with my mom and sisters. I have been thinking about taking her along for pedicure day for a while now but for one reason or another I hadn't done it yet. We had such a special fun time I wish now that I had done it sooner!

After pedi's we had lunch and did some shopping at Washington Square. Going into Pottery Barn to look for a teapot for mom made my house look dingy :P I hate that store LOL!

I didn't buy anything apparel wise while we were out......but that isn't to say that I have been exactly sticking to my diet. My offenses include: two shirts from Urban, three pairs of pants and a sweater from Old Navy, and a pair of boots from Target.

Damn you end of season clearance!

Do I feel guilty? Maybe a little, but not as bad as I thought I would. I am starting to realize that the lesson I should be learning from all this apparel dieting is not that I have too much clothing. I don't think that's possible. But rather that my apparel purchases should be made with much more care. I am realizing that in the past I would walk by something cute and say to myself "I need that! It's so cute!!" What I should be asking my self is the following:

Is this in my budget?

Does this fill a need in my wardrobe?

Does this fit with my personal style? (at this point I should mention that I am famous for buying stuff that isn't really my style in an attempt to force myself into new style. Which never works. I am boho chic to my core. No matter how fab my sisters look in their urban chic clothes.)

Do I have anything in my closet to wear with this?

If I can answer yes to these questions then I shouldn't feel guilty about purchasing.....in theory.

All in all I am happy. I don't feel defeted, but rather more enlightened. I plan to continue on my diet, every one cheats on a diet now and then right? :P

Month 3 and counting

CAUTION! The following post savors strongly of bitterness and self pity, proceed at your own risk :P

So December 1st marked the third month that I have been following the apparel diet. So far so good! Not to say that I haven't been sorely tempted but budget constraints (damn that mortgage) and the holiday season, rushing towards us like a speeding freight train, made it easier to resist. I won't say it wasn't painful, because it absolutely was, just easier to resist. OK so I didn't resist the Star Wars sweater from H&M, but come on people it was a Star Wars sweater!!

Now Christmas is staring us in the face, giving us that look that says "got you again!". The tree is up and decorated. The house isn't exactly throwing up Christmas, darn that budget again! The gifts have been purchased and wrapped, some hand made even! I find myself with free time. Am I making cookies? Taking my kids to look at Christmas lights? Nay friends, I am instead chained to my computer taunted by my inbox which is brimming with advertisements for the retail sales meant to draw in those last minute shoppers. My brain tells me to resist, but like a moth to a flame I click on link after shinning link browsing the sales.

I haven't bought anything........yet. Laying in bed the other night I actually considered starting a work out routine for the same reason. Hey if I loose weight I will need new clothes! But in the end I decide that I don't have any work out clothes and I am forbidden to buy any so there you have it. ( at this point I would like to point out how sick and wrong it is that I am considering getting healthier ONLY so I can buy new clothes) Today I have been pounding the Almond Joys in what I am convinced is a subconscious attempt to put ON weight so I will have to buy new clothes. I should probably seek some sort of professional help :P

I find myself hoping that I am getting gift cards for Christmas.

Long overdue

Hello blog followers!!
(all 8 of you) It's been a while, no? My life has been a crazy whirlwind. Some things welcome, some MOST unpleasant. It's time to grow as a person again and that is never a comfortable situation.
In the beginning of November my best friend was diagnosed with breast cancer. I can not even tell you how hard I cried when she called me to tell me the news.
Sense then as crazy as my life has been hers has been an absolute whirl of doctors appointments and phone calls to the insurance company. Settling things at work and spending as much time with her kids as humanly possible. All culminating in the grand finally of a double mastectomy on November 30th. She is home now, resting and for the moment cancer free. She will need chemo after the first of the year but for now is enjoying the holidays with her family.
I think the hardest part for me is wading through all the new emotions swirling through my brain. My heart breaks for her and her husband and her kids. I am not fearful for her life, her doctors have made it clear that her prognosis is good. But I am scared for the physical and emotional changes that she will have to endure. I am scared that I can't be enough help. I am worried I will be forced to be useless. I can't go through cancer with her, the surgery or the chemo. I am left standing on the sidelines chasing after her shouting all the things I can do.
After all those thoughts have burned through my brain come the guilt. What are my woes compared with hers? She has cancer for Christs sake! What's happening in my life that is anywhere near as bad as that? How dare I worry about not being enough help in that face of what she is going through.
I am worried about this cold that is kicking my butt, will I get the kids cakes done in time? Will be house be clean for the party? Or will I still have laundry strewn on my bedroom floor with the door quietly shut. Retail therapy has NEVER looked more inviting then it does right now. Ahh well c'est la vie.

Thus far a success, though barely......

Today is a grayish and gloomy Monday morning. As I type these words I am proud to announce that my dishes are done!

No but really as I begin the third month of my "apparel diet" I admit with a smidgen of pride that I haven't broken my diet. That being said it has been MUCH harder then I expected, and even at times a little depressing. At every turn I am confronted with things that I would like to add to my wardrobe.

Shopping for everyday household items has become a full scale assault on my willpower. This is probably because we do SO much of our shopping at Target, but hey, stuff is cheap there. As I stand there, possible apparel purchase in hand, a sea of thoughts and emotions crash over me. The first thought is always "is it really cheating, who would know?". Followed immediately by a wave of guilt and shame that is always successful in making me put the item back. I walk away and the thoughts continue to swirl in my brain, a tangled knot like so much yarn after a kitten. I pick up a thread and try to examine it.

"Why can't you put your family first? Is having pretty things so much more important then keeping your family on budget?"

Of course not.

"Then why is your wardrobe so important?"

I want to look nice! I don't want anyone thinking I am a slob.

"So that is the answer, your vanity and pride come before the needs of your family"

NO! That's not what I said! It's not wrong for me to want to look presentable!

"Your current wardrobe is more then sufficient to accomplish that goal."

I know it is.....but.....

"But what?"

I don't know.

And that's as far as I ever get in unraveling my obsession with clothes. Phaw, maybe I need therapy. I mean who feels this way about clothes and shoes, coats and scarves. Have you ever seen confessions of a shopaholic? You know the opening scene when she is talking about how she feels about stores and shopping? Yep that's me, that's exactly how I feel. Thank the good Lord I have enough restraint not to go THAT nuts :P

I have to say that when I started this I had no idea how deeply this would affect me. I really started this thinking" eh, one year I can do it no sweat!"Maybe I was in denial of how much my clothes really meant to me. BTW I did watch all the Spring 2011 ready to wear shows on Style.com I couldn't help myself. I did stop reading Vogue and Nylon, that just makes me want to buy stuff.

At the end of the day I don't feel liberated, I just feel sad. I miss new things. I am jealous of my friends and family when they go shopping. Even before my diet I didn't need to buy anything, just the act of shopping with friends made me happy. Maybe a better choice for me would have been to reexamine how and why I shop, as opposed to going cold turkey. But given the thoughts and emotions my diet has brought out, maybe this was what I needed after all......