The Thief of Joy

An explosion happened at my house this morning.
If you live in my neighborhood you probably heard it. Sorry about that.
I've seen it brewing.
Like that zit on your face, the one that feels like Mt Everest, but doesn't have a head on it. I tried to pop this problem prematurely, with lots of loving words like, "comparison if the thief of joy" and "even mom and dad don't have everything". All to no avail. This morning. This morning the zit came to a huge ugly head, was popped, and left that giant open crater of hurt.
It went something like this.

Dade: Mom I REALLY need new shoes. These ones have a hole too.

Me: Yeah I noticed that. I'm sorry we've just been really busy. I promise we'll go to the store this week and get you new ones.

Dade: So, like what's my budget for new shoes? Like $100?

Me: Uh, no....

Dade: (huge huffy sigh) Yeah I figured. So like $50 then?

Me: Babe try $30.

(At this point the color is rising in his cheeks, his little hands are clenched, and I can see tears forming in his eye)

Me: Dade honey what kind of shoes were you wanting?

Dade: IT'S NOT FAIR! EVERYONE AT SCHOOL WEARS NIKE SHOES AND I HAVE TO WEAR CRAPPY SHOES! YOU NEVER BUY ME THE GOOD SHOES!

Me: Dade please don't shout at me we can talk about this. The shoes you have are Adidas, so I don't think it's fair to say I "never buy you cool shoes".

Dade: Mom no one wears Adidas anymore. Adidas is stupid. All the kids at school have Nike and you'll never buy me Nike shoes cause they are like $100! (spies his sister on the floor with her iPod) And Mom I just REALLY need an iPod for middle school.

Me: Dade you do not need an iPod for middle school.

Dade: Yes I do! YOu just don't understand! I can use it to check my grades..

Me: (I should add that now my sympathy for his plight is waning and I am becoming genuinely annoyed at his materialistic attitude. But because I am a "good" mom and the struggle is real, I am trying to stay calm) Daden if you need to check your grades you can do it when you get home. Or *gasp* you could actually talk to your teacher.

Dade: Mom that's just dumb.

Me: No Dade, wanting something because "everyone else has it" is dumb. If you spend all your time being jealous of what other people have you will never enjoy what you have. (Eye rolling from my prenager) It's true. Mom and dad can't have everything either and we're adults. For instance I drives an older car. It's dirty, and dinged up. My automatic doors don't work but it runs well and takes us where we need to go. Aunt Dani has a new car with automatic doors that work and a super cool GPS system. It's clean and shiny. Does that mean that I should be envious and go spend $50K  on a new van?

Dade: No.

Me: Well why not? Dani's car is nicer than mine! For that matter let's look at Gramma and Papa! They have a big beautiful house with a huge yard and a hot tub! We have a small house and a small yard. Should I be envious and go buy a new house?

Dade: No I like our house! (I find this shocking because not having his own room has been the subject of many spirited debates)

Me: Well there you have it. We choose to be thankful for what we have and can afford rather then being envious and always sad that we can't have what others have. If it's  something you just can't live without then you save your pennies until you can have it.

Dade: I knew talking to you wouldn't help. I knew you wouldn't get them for me. I just can't have anything.

Me: I'm really sorry that you feel that way, but I'm not sorry that I can't buy you everything thing you want. It breaks my heart to see you sad, but I know that having everything won't make you happy.

Dade: (stomp stomp stomp huff door slam)

You guys #thestruggleisreal trying to teach my kids that they don't have to have everything is one of the most exhausting parts of my day. Truthfully I feel bad that I can't give them everything they want. It hits a nerve, I was that kid that didn't have the cool clothes and the coolest toys. I remember. Don't get me wrong I had nice things and my parents worked damn hard to provide them for me. But it didn't feel that way in the moment.
I think today's children are different. Society is different. There are so many more THINGS we "need" to have. They live in an instant society and are constantly bombarded by a stream of new now and better. I'm sure it's as exhausting for them as constantly explaining why we can't have it all is for me.
I'm trying. I really trying my very best to walk the line of giving them what they need balanced by a little of what they want. It's so. damn. hard.

Why I cried in the shower

Serious shit from a serious place:

I'm typing this in my phone, from my baby's floor bed. Where I am laying next to my snotty, oozing, sleep fighting, bundle of love.
Last week Tuesday morning I sobbed on the floor of my shower. Sobbed people. I didn't cry, I didn't weep.  I sobbed huge loud sobs. The kind I sobbed when I found out my BFF had cancer, or when my great grandmother died. Those sobs.
So you see despite all my gentle reminders, options, and helping hands, Ryder put on the breaks and refused to get on the bus.
People I lost my shit. I yelled at him. I threatened to take away his birthday party. I begged him to tell me what I was doing wrong, why couldn't he just get ready for school and get on the bus. Of course none of it worked. He cried, I cried, he didn't get on the bus.
While I sat on the floor in the shower and sobbed my little man sat on the floor of his room and sobbed.
He didn't think I was doing anything wrong. He didn't know why he couldn't get ready on time. He just knows he likes his sandwich a certain way, and the blue coat not the black one. These things are important to him. Pillars of the earth important. You can't get on the bus if you have a jelly sandwich instead of peanut butter and honey.
Eric picked me up off the floor of the shower, wrapped me in a towel and dried my tears. He built me up with words. He told me that he loved me, that our kids loved me, that I was the best mom ever. He told me about how he loved how much I gave to our family and to our friends. I held him. I stopped crying.
But deep, deep down I didn't believe him.
Oh I believe that he loves me. If he didn't he would have run screaming from my special brand of crazy years ago. But deep deep down I don't feel worthy of his love. I don't feel worthy of my kids love. I fill my life with busy to distract myself from just how not good enough I feel. Not smart enough, strong enough, creative enough, talented enough, kind enough, giving enough, pretty enough.....

Tonight I heard a friend say that for Lent she was not giving up sugar, or alcohol. She was giving up the negative feelings she has about herself. I have never given up anything for Lent, but I'm starting now. I'm letting go of the negative. I'm taking these steps and I'm making these changes. I am going to feel as worthy as my husband thinks I am. I am going to really be the wife he deserves and the mother my kids need.
Not just pretend to be. Actually be.

Better late then never?

*Confession time; a little later on down this blog post, I will tell you about how one of my resolutions for 2015 is to blog once a week. Now is when I will tell you that I have that one photo of Ronan there, and the first paragraph written for like two weeks, sitting in an open tab on my browser. I'm busy, don't judge...*

This is is people. This is my Christmas card. Merry Christmas!

I may never send actual cards again, just saying. See it's really because I care deeply about our earth, and want to reduce my carbon footprint by not sending paper cards. See if I don't send them then I won't cause more greenhouse emissions asking the postman to deliver them. That's it. Really.
Not really.
Maybe next year.
But y'all don't mind right?

I suffer from a complete and total lack of time management skill. I am forever over filling my plate and I just keep right on filling. Some things that didn't get done this year; halloween pictures, Christmas cookie baking, neighbor gifts (Sorry amazing neighbors. You will just have to imagine how much I love and appreciate you), Christmas pillow covers, taking the lights off my artificial tree and replacing them with ones that work.

Despite my lengthy to do list, we did manage to survive the Christmas holidays, not just survived but dare I say we actually thrived. Dani and I took the kids to sort donations for Toys for Tots this year in an ongoing effort to help our kids see beyond themselves. I'm not sure how much progress we made toward that goal, but my heart was certainly warmed and we did do some good. Plus it was actually a ton of fun! Not surprisingly this was Ryders "best day ever!" If ever I could figure out how to live with this kids enthusiasm all my problems would be solved. Just his enthusiasm though, not the meltdowns.

 

One boy is a total ham, and the other one.. I can not get this kid to look at the camera for anything...anyone have any tips? Sheesh!

We had 16 for the Christmas sleepover this year. That's 16 stocking hanging up there, count em. It's truly amazing and also humbling, that we can gather together as a family, to be thankful for each other. To celebrate Jesus. And eat copious amounts of sugar. It's a glorious tradition...and a glorious sacrifice from my introverted husband, I don't think he had any idea what he was in for when he asked me to marry him....poor bastard. There he is right there in the corner of that photo snuggling our sweet sleeping baby. You guys how did I get so lucky?

So now here we are in the third freaking week of January 2015 already. Today is actually my beautiful baby niece Lydia's first birthday. Her first freaking birthday! Where the hell did the year go? While we're at it where did the first three weeks of 2015 go?! I swear it was just yesterday I made this list:

I am proud to report that I have actually crossed a few of those things off the list. I did streamline my craft supply, and I did clean out my master closet. Just doing those small (OK I lie those were BIG HUGE THING! HUGE THINGS.) made me feel SO much lighter.
I have not yet worked out at all, let alone for 30 min at least twice a week and lets not even get started on what my linen closet looks like. Baby steps people, baby steps.
I am however, quite serious about my goal to blog once a week. You see it's on my bucket list (I'm big on lists, and using parentheses in a sentence. Did you pick up on that?) to write the book that's been bouncing around in my head since I was 16. I'm too embarrassed to tell you about it so please don't ask. But I figure that if I can hone my writing skill by blogging once a week for a year, maybe grab a few more followers because lets be frank, eleven is pathetic. Even though I love all eleven of you, it would be huge for my self confidence to have more. A good bit of my self worth is tied to how many people like me. Childish I know but there you have it. That's a whole nother bog post altogether...
So there we are, my first post of 2015. I'm not proud of it, I'm rambling I know. But at some point I need to just post it or it will never be posted and 2015 is the year of getting shit done. So I will leave you with this. I found it while cleaning out my master closet. I told you I've been writing that book for a very long time. Ane yes, I at one point titled it "Window" terrible I know.