The Thief of Joy

An explosion happened at my house this morning.
If you live in my neighborhood you probably heard it. Sorry about that.
I've seen it brewing.
Like that zit on your face, the one that feels like Mt Everest, but doesn't have a head on it. I tried to pop this problem prematurely, with lots of loving words like, "comparison if the thief of joy" and "even mom and dad don't have everything". All to no avail. This morning. This morning the zit came to a huge ugly head, was popped, and left that giant open crater of hurt.
It went something like this.

Dade: Mom I REALLY need new shoes. These ones have a hole too.

Me: Yeah I noticed that. I'm sorry we've just been really busy. I promise we'll go to the store this week and get you new ones.

Dade: So, like what's my budget for new shoes? Like $100?

Me: Uh, no....

Dade: (huge huffy sigh) Yeah I figured. So like $50 then?

Me: Babe try $30.

(At this point the color is rising in his cheeks, his little hands are clenched, and I can see tears forming in his eye)

Me: Dade honey what kind of shoes were you wanting?

Dade: IT'S NOT FAIR! EVERYONE AT SCHOOL WEARS NIKE SHOES AND I HAVE TO WEAR CRAPPY SHOES! YOU NEVER BUY ME THE GOOD SHOES!

Me: Dade please don't shout at me we can talk about this. The shoes you have are Adidas, so I don't think it's fair to say I "never buy you cool shoes".

Dade: Mom no one wears Adidas anymore. Adidas is stupid. All the kids at school have Nike and you'll never buy me Nike shoes cause they are like $100! (spies his sister on the floor with her iPod) And Mom I just REALLY need an iPod for middle school.

Me: Dade you do not need an iPod for middle school.

Dade: Yes I do! YOu just don't understand! I can use it to check my grades..

Me: (I should add that now my sympathy for his plight is waning and I am becoming genuinely annoyed at his materialistic attitude. But because I am a "good" mom and the struggle is real, I am trying to stay calm) Daden if you need to check your grades you can do it when you get home. Or *gasp* you could actually talk to your teacher.

Dade: Mom that's just dumb.

Me: No Dade, wanting something because "everyone else has it" is dumb. If you spend all your time being jealous of what other people have you will never enjoy what you have. (Eye rolling from my prenager) It's true. Mom and dad can't have everything either and we're adults. For instance I drives an older car. It's dirty, and dinged up. My automatic doors don't work but it runs well and takes us where we need to go. Aunt Dani has a new car with automatic doors that work and a super cool GPS system. It's clean and shiny. Does that mean that I should be envious and go spend $50K  on a new van?

Dade: No.

Me: Well why not? Dani's car is nicer than mine! For that matter let's look at Gramma and Papa! They have a big beautiful house with a huge yard and a hot tub! We have a small house and a small yard. Should I be envious and go buy a new house?

Dade: No I like our house! (I find this shocking because not having his own room has been the subject of many spirited debates)

Me: Well there you have it. We choose to be thankful for what we have and can afford rather then being envious and always sad that we can't have what others have. If it's  something you just can't live without then you save your pennies until you can have it.

Dade: I knew talking to you wouldn't help. I knew you wouldn't get them for me. I just can't have anything.

Me: I'm really sorry that you feel that way, but I'm not sorry that I can't buy you everything thing you want. It breaks my heart to see you sad, but I know that having everything won't make you happy.

Dade: (stomp stomp stomp huff door slam)

You guys #thestruggleisreal trying to teach my kids that they don't have to have everything is one of the most exhausting parts of my day. Truthfully I feel bad that I can't give them everything they want. It hits a nerve, I was that kid that didn't have the cool clothes and the coolest toys. I remember. Don't get me wrong I had nice things and my parents worked damn hard to provide them for me. But it didn't feel that way in the moment.
I think today's children are different. Society is different. There are so many more THINGS we "need" to have. They live in an instant society and are constantly bombarded by a stream of new now and better. I'm sure it's as exhausting for them as constantly explaining why we can't have it all is for me.
I'm trying. I really trying my very best to walk the line of giving them what they need balanced by a little of what they want. It's so. damn. hard.

Ten years ago today

Didn't I cover how times flies in the last post? Maybe I did. Well it bears repeating because today my oldest son turns 10! That's right people, he's a whole decade old. I am not a decade older....but somehow he's 10. Something weird in the time space continuum, you'd have to be a Time Lord to understand...

Today's post is dedicated to his birth. 

My first birth. It was awesome. 

It was quick, six total hours of labor, 30 min of pushing. 

It was fun! 

You will see in the pictures how many people were there to support me, and no I do not have a shred of modesty left. Lets break it down:

Eric was there, of course

My mom

My dad

Eric's mom

Eric's grandma

Eric's dad, though he waited in the lobby

Danielle

Alexa

Ashley

Jennifer

Kellyn

1 midwife

3 nurses 

and a partridge in a pear tree!

It never even occurred to me that this might be a lot of people. In hindsight my midwife gets an award for delivering a baby with a stadium full of people. Below are some of my favorite pictures from his birth. I left out anything graphic. My dad actually had strict instructions to not photograph anything too gory, but it was his first grandchild, he got a little carried away. Bless him.

Here we go!
For the few weeks proceeding my induction I had been trucking up from our house all the way to OHSU every three days for an NST and AFI. I had been told, that depending on the results of those tests that I needed to be prepared to stay and have a baby. However after two weeks of testing and being sent home sans baby, I was less than convinced that I was ever going to stay and have that baby.
Early on the morning of December 11th Eric and I got up and got ready to head to OHSU for testing, yet again. I was in a less than fantastic mood and skipped breakfast. I also left my hospital bag at home because you know, I was not going to stay and have a baby.
I was wrong.

We were waiting in the lobby for the test results, imagine my surprise when instead of the nurse the midwife popped her head into the waiting room and announced it was baby time! Fortunately my mother was kind enough to stop by my house and get my hospital bag. Knowing that I wouldn't be allowed to eat once labor started I begged my midwife to let me eat before they started pitocin. She laughed and ordered me a grilled cheese and tomato soup from the cafeteria.

Fast forward a few uneventful hours of laboring and an epidural, my entourage has shown up.

The peanut gallery anxiously awaits the report from the midwife. She says its' go time! Can you see the excitement on their faces?

The next two pictures are probably my favorite two pictures ever. Danielle got to help deliver Daden so she is gloved up standing next to my business, Jennifer, Ashley, and Alexa are leaning in so they won't miss a thing.

LOL I laugh every single time I look at these seriously. Daden's head was crowning at this point and their reaction is priceless.

Here he is!!! All 6lbs 3oz and 19.5 inches of him. He was perfect if I do say so myself. And I do, you know cause I'm his mom.

My first look, and my first child. I was absolutely in love. I forgot all about the last six hours and just stared into his tiny perfect face. 

After this they whisked him away and weighed and measured and bathed. Someone brought me a GIANT turkey sandwich and chips which reminded me how hungry I was. It was seriously the best sandwich ever. I didn't know, but while I was eating my midwife has my placenta all stretched out on a tray and was showing the girls all the different parts and explaining how everything worked. I'm a little sorry I missed it! 

After everything calmed down it was time to move to recovery. The nurse brought over a wheelchair to take me to our room. I looked her right in the face and told her I was NOT going to ride in that I would be walking TYVM. She laughed and told me that if I could get out of bed and stand on my own I was welcome to walk. Two things, one it was a good thing I was not holding Daden, and two it was a VERY good thing that Eric was standing next to me. I rode in the wheelchair.

That night I experienced pain worse than labor. I was too swollen to pass urine and it took FOREVER to get the OB to come in and examine me and approve a catheter. I had two very unsympathetic nurses (thanks midnight shift change) and by the time they cathed me I was in so much pain I was sobbing. The mean nurse hooked up the bag wrong and ended up with pee all over her scrubs and my bed. Which did mean I had to get up so she could change the sheets, but I didn't care, mean nurse has pee all over her and my bladder didn't feel like it was ripping in half anymore. They got two liters out of my bladder. 

I held Daden the entire first night. I never once put him in the bassinet. Which I don't recommend by the way. My arm was shaking so bad from muscle fatigue the next morning I could barely hold my coffee! But I couldn't help myself,  I couldn't stop staring at his beautiful tiny face. I look into his face now and see a miniature version of my husband. Down to the dimples, and the "I'm up to no good but you love me anyway" smile. The last ten years have held so much magic, wonder, heartache, and headache, but I wouldn't trade any of it for a moment without him.

Happy birthday little dude. Your mom and dad love you more then you will ever know.

That is until the day when you have your own child.....

The 30th year

Today is day 26 of my 30th year on this planet. It feels a lot like day 26 of my twentieth year.
I am doing a lot more laundry, and toilet scrubbing then I did when I was twenty.....hmmmm
I find myself looking forward to different things in the next decade. Before we get halfway through all three of my kids will be in school full time. Before I turn forty Daden and Tessa will both be in high school. Finally getting all the boxes unpacked, which may take the entire decade. Celebrating birthdays and holidays in our new house.
This year ( I mean my 30th year, not calendar year) I want to focus on being thankful. Truly thankful. I counted down the weeks to Thanksgiving last year by choosing something that I was thankful for as my facebook status everyday. The first few days, even the first week it was simple to come up with things to be thankful for. I was shocked at how quickly it became a struggle for me to find something to be thankful for. My life is so blessed, I couldn't believe that it was so difficult. I think that it is so easy for me to fall into the daily routine, and to become disenchanted with the things that may be unpleasant, but are really blessings.
So this week I focused on laundry. I was thankful that at least I had a washer and dryer in my house and didn't have to go to a laundry mat. My friend Jolie pointed out something I didn't even think of! Lots of laundry means I have lots of clothes to wear! Two blessings in something I don't like :D
If this keeps up, I may lose count! I can live with that :)